Lucifer meets Death's Master (he is not amused)
by Jetainia
Summary: Death's on holiday so Harry has to take his place and answer the summons that he gets, even if he is in the middle of a time sensitive prank. MoD!Harry Oneshot


Lucifer was gloating; the Winchesters had thought that the pitiful Colt would be able to slay such a being as he. The gun didn't stand a chance and now that Death was awakening, the rest of the world wouldn't have a chance either, his Father's precious Earth was going to burn. Of course, Lucifer hadn't planned on a short black-haired male that didn't look anything like the Death he remembered glaring up at him before starting to complain.

"Seriously? _Seriously_? You're going to summon me now, out of all the times you could have summoned me, you chose _this moment_ to do so? Clint is going to kill me, I am going to be a pin cushion of arrows thanks to you, I am going to be guilted into being his target for at least a month! Do you know what it's like to have arrow after arrow shot at you with each hitting _precisely_ where Hawkeye meant it to hit?

"I don't think you do! And now, because of you summoning me away from HQ and Phil's office, Clint has no backup for his prank which means he's going to be stuck doing paperwork for his husband. Do you know how much paperwork Phil has to go through every day? No! So, thanks for the summons and everything but I gotta go now. See you when you die!"

Lucifer and the Winchesters had been staring gobsmacked at the male as he ranted, at the mention of leaving however, Lucifer snapped out of it. "Where do you think you're going Death?"

"Don't bother asking me where Death's going, I dunno. Well, actually I do but that's irrelevant, Death deserves his own space without me hovering over him and asking what he's doing or where he's going."

"Do you mean to say that _you_ are not Death."

The man looked at him, affronted, "Well of course I'm not Death! Why would you possibly think that I was Death? He's all obsessed with pizza! Now me, I'm more of a treacle tart kind of guy."

"I summoned Death you mud monkey, why have you appeared instead of him?"

"Oi! Who you calling a mud monkey, I'm a fair bit older than you, you know. I've just been travelling through the realities a bit. As for why I appeared when you summoned Death, he's on holiday at the moment and the requests to him he's dumped on me. It's as if he was the Master and I was the guy that did all the boring paperwork."

It was at this point that the two Winchester brothers decided they had seen enough. They had no clue who the new guy was but if he stood up to Lucifer, the Devil, Satan, the Big Baddie, etc. then he was automatically an ally. And while their new ally, who didn't know that he was an ally but that was just semantics, distracted Lucifer they would sort out the townspeople who were somehow alive and unharmed.

As the hunters quietly and quickly hustled the humans away from Lucifer and Death-Who-Wasn't-Death, Death-Who-Wasn't-Death was still ranting on about how Death had left him in the lurch, "I mean, seriously, what kind of a person gives you three items, makes you immortal and then gives you mountains of paperwork? And I mean actual mountains! Mount Everest? It's basically made out of paperwork!"

"Silence!" yelled Lucifer, obviously reaching the end of his patience. "You say you have some sort of power over Death, get him here and I won't kill you."

"Okay sure," the man answered. There was an expectant silence in which the Winchesters looked at each other in horror, was their new ally-who-didn't-know-he-was-an-ally turning against them? Several minutes passed before Lucifer exploded again.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Where is he?"

"Oh, you wanted me to get him over here _now_."

"Yes!"

"Sorry can't do that," Death-Who-Wasn't-Death shrugged, "like I said, he's on holiday. Probably stuffing himself full of pizza, and cheese, he likes cheese."

"Then what's the point of you!"

"Well, I am Master of Death; I have all of his knowledge and power and can do pretty much anything he can do. I basically am Death; I've just got more free will than he does."

Lucifer sneered, "A mud monkey, the Master of Death, I don't think so."

"Sheesh, it's like talking to Malfoy and hearing 'Scarhead' all the time. My name's Harry okay? Harry James Potter if you want to be specific. So stop calling me mud monkey, if you're going to sneer at me, call me Potter, it'll bring back some nice memories of an utter git."

"Very well, _Potter_ , when is Death supposed to reach the end of his _holiday_?"

"Well he only started it a few hundred years ago so he'll probably be finished in another three thousand and eight hundred years, give or take."

"The apocalypse is due to start this year, in the next few months."

Harry looked surprised, "Is it?" he inquired as he drew out a pocket watch from the air beside him. He checked it and then said, "Sorry, I think you got your facts wrong, the apocalypse isn't due for a very long time yet. It's not even in my calendar, you sure you're in the right universe? 3.14159 has one due next year and 42 had one start just a few minutes ago. 'Course there's always 26.5359, that universe is always having an apocalypse."

"I'm creating my own schedule," Lucifer gritted out, obviously very fed up with the whole conversation.

"Ah, can't help you with that sorry. I'll just take these humans back to their homes and leave you to it, shall I? Great, see you 'round!"

He vanished, as did everyone else in the meadow that Lucifer had chosen to raise Death in. Only Lucifer himself was left, surrounded by trees that seemed to be laughing at him. He roared and reduced them all to ashes in an attempt to destroy at least some of his Father's creation. His powers had no effect, the trees were still there, green as ever but silent and Lucifer was alone.

Dean and Sam blinked as they suddenly found themselves in the Impala, Death-Who-Wasn't-Death or Harry, as they now knew him to be called, was in the backseat. He grinned at them, seemingly none the worse for having defied a powerful Archangel who was probably going to hunt him down and kill him now.

"Well that was fun, wasn't it?"

They stared at him until Dean burst out, "Fun? You think that was _fun_? Are you _mad_?"

"Probably yeah, but I've been alive for several trillion thousand years, I'm allowed to be a bit mad. I once knew someone who was only about a hundred and he was a bit mad too, at least I only went mad around my thousandth year. Besides, this little trip let me procrastinate a little bit and get away from Natas- Oh dear, I probably missed it, Clint is so going to kill me..."

He trailed off before looking at the two hunters again and grinning, though there was still an undertone of worry, "Nice to meet you guys! I'm sure I'll see you again at some point but I gotta go now and try to save my son from his paperclip wielding husband, and hopefully avoid being shot by him. Honestly, what kind of kid shoots his own father?"

The last sentence was an echo in the air as Harry faded away slowly during his goodbyes and the brothers were left staring at an empty back seat, alone.

Several universes across, one down and twelve diagonal, Harry was being chased down by Clint Barton, one of the many children he had had over the years, who in turn was being chased by Phil Coulson, Harry's son-in-law and Clint's husband. The halls of SHIELD's HQ were filled with laughter and screeching as each of the trio tried to hide from the others but at the same time attack them. At least it broke up the monotony of fighting aliens and whatnot.


End file.
